


You can't clean yourself from guilt

by Subaruchan192



Series: After the fire- Post war Eruri [7]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, Coping, Declarations Of Love, Dogs, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Forehead Kisses, Forehead Touching, Happy Ending, Healthy Relationships, Levi and Cleaning (Shingeki no Kyojin), M/M, Nightmares, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Soft Erwin Smith, Soft Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), True Love, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 19:01:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30043278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Subaruchan192/pseuds/Subaruchan192
Summary: Even when there is peace, the memories of the war cannot be easily forgotten. No one knows that better than Erwin and Levi.They live in a paradise now, but the images of the past still haunt them. After a nightmare, Levi tries to escape the feeling of guilt by cleaning their cabin and Erwin is there to comfort him. Just like always.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith
Series: After the fire- Post war Eruri [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2086356
Comments: 14
Kudos: 33





	You can't clean yourself from guilt

**Author's Note:**

> So, this comes out when you actually want to finish your first explicit eruri fic. LOL. Not exactly that, but I saw a tweet this morning about that Levi's urge to clean is a coping mechanism and of course I was aware of that, but it made think of how much of an impact it has on him and that idea didn't leave me, so I wrote it down.

Erwin woke up to the sound of hard bristles scrubbing across the wooden floor. He groaned and opened his eyes. It was still early in the morning, the light fresh and a little hazy. Nature did not seem to have awakened yet, as even the birds were not singing, but Levi apparently had. The bedside beside Erwin was empty and made already.

Slowly, Erwin sat up and ruffled through his messy, blond hair and looked around. Taki laid at the end of the bed, stretched out, but he looked attentively into the direction of the hallway, where Erwin saw Levi sweeping it with hectic, almost desperate movements trough the half open door. That Levi woke him with cleaning wasn’t something unusual, but something about his expression was off. He had only been able to see his face for a moment, but his jaw had been tensed and his hand had held so tightly onto the stick that his knuckles had turned white.

Erwin frowned and stood up. In passing, he scratched Taki behind his ears, who whined, likely concerned about his other master as he didn’t know him like this.

“I’ll take care of it, Taki, don’t worry,” he assured and Taki pressed his snout into this palm. Erwin smiled down at him. “Sleep on and we'll go for a long walk together with Yuki and Raven later, hmm?”

Taki barked, quiet, uncertain, but then rested his head back on his front paws, looking at Erwin with big, sad eyes as he turned around.

Erwin reached for a white, fine dressing gown out of silk he had got a while ago and put it on, before stepping out into the hallway. The wooden floor underneath his bare feet was still damp and slippery, but Levi seemed to have finished his work here as he was nowhere to be seen, but he heard a rummage from the living area and the sound of windows being pushed open harshly.

“Hey, good morning,” Erwin said softly as he walked into the big room, which served as living room and kitchen. Levi only noticed Erwin approaching when he had almost reached him and it told Erwin more than anything else that something was off.

“Oh, you’re up already. Did I wake you up?” Levi turned around, trying to smile softly, but the stern expression in his eyes and the frown between his brows remained.

“Hmmm, it rather helped me make the decision whether to continue sleeping or waking up.”

“I’m sorry. I should have let you sleep. You needed it.” Levi’s attempt to smile became even worse, the edges of it already crumbling and Erwin saw distress flickering over his face, but before he was able to say something, Levi got onto his toes and placed a sweet, tender kiss to his lips. “Good morning, love.”

“Morning, my darling.” Erwin smiled and tenderly clasped Levi's hand, which still clung too tightly to the broomstick. Just a little tighter and he would probably splinter it. He rubbed soothing circles on the back, just on the knuckles of Levi's two missing fingers. “Did I not clean properly enough yesterday?”

“What?” Levi’s eyes widened, but then he lowered his gaze and bit his bottom lip as he shook his head. “No, you did as best as you could, but we have to clean it more now that Taki is living with us.”

Abruptly he turned away, escaping from Erwin’s tenderness and instead returned to rubbing a spot on the window sill with a cloth that was already perfectly clean and soon would be polished.

“Levi, what’s really going on?”

Levi startled, something deep and sad rested in his eyes as he looked up His hand clenched into a fist on the window sill and a tight tension rested in his shoulders, while he squeezed his eyes shut.

“Did you have a nightmare again?” Erwin asked as he took a step closer to him and rested his hand on his upper arm.

Levi tensed at the touch for a moment, but then gave in with a sigh and nodded.

“Eld, Oluo, Petra and Gunther stood in front of me. Their bodies were decomposed, their skin sallow and their eyes glazed over.” His voice was dark and heavy as he slowly turned back around to Erwin. “They stood there silently for quite a while, only looking at me with a reproachful gaze. Then Eld tilted his head, which almost seemed to fall off, and asked: Have you forgotten us already, Captain? We who have given our lives for you? Our death is your fault! You have abandoned us and because of you we are rotting under the earth. Then, Petra raised her hand, which was almost rotten and pointed at me as she said: But you don't care about that, do you? Have you ever looked back and thought of us? No! Instead, you started a new life, your happy ending, which was not granted to us, because of you. You don’t deserve any of this, you deserve to suffer as much as we do and now, we have come to take you away. The earth began to shake underneath my feet and opened up underneath my fee. There was a lake of magma. Heat blew into my face. It stank of sulphur. Then, they grabbed me, the earth swallowed me and they dragged me down to hell with them, while the ground closed above my head.”

Levi obviously tried to keep his voice emotionless, but he couldn’t fool Erwin. He heard the tremble underneath the words and that ran through his body.

“Levi…” Erwin didn’t know what to say even though, or probably, because he knew too well what he was going through.

“They were right, you know. I haven't thought about them once since we've been here. I was too happy and gladly left the past behind the walls.” He crumpled up the rag and threw it angrily into a corner. “I am a selfish bastard. How could I believe I deserve any of this?”

His voice was bitter and full of despise off himself about how willingly he had forgotten about them. Though he had not forgotten them, of course. He never would, but for him focusing on the good things, on healing and being happy was equal to it, because in his eyes it diminished their sacrifice.

Erwin knew. He had thought that way for a long time, too, and sometimes still did.

“You deserve this, Levi, more than anyone else,” Erwin whispered and pulled him against his chest, placing a kiss onto the white fabric Levi had wrapped around his head. “The world has given you nothing but hell. You deserve a piece of paradise.”

“No.” Levi shook his head, but instead of pulling away, he stepped closer into his embrace and hugged him tightly as if Erwin was the only thing that assured him that the nightmare wasn’t reality.

“If you don’t deserve this, Levi, how can I?” Levi’s head snapped up at the sound of Erwin’s heavy voice and he starred at him with eyes so blown wide that he could almost see himself mirroring in them.

“Erwin, no…”, he whispered, resting his hand on Erwin’s arm and waist.

“You were just the soldier, who did what I asked him to do.”

“That’s not true and you know it. I…”

“That’s not what I’m getting at, Levi.” Erwin looked unwavering at him and smiled, though it flickered slightly. “What I want to say is that we both survived. It’s a miracle, but it is true. We can now let the guilt shackle us forever and eke out our existence while it slowly consumes us. But would that really be fair to them? Is that what their hope is supposed to look like? Is that what they should have sacrificed their hearts for? Do they really deserve this?”

“No, of course not.” Levi lifted his head abruptly and tears glistened in his eyes.

“Then we must live the life that honours their sacrifice”, Erwin said with a warm voice, while he pulled Levi closer, resting his head against his shoulder and kissed his hair, his forehead, everything he could reach to soothe him, to ease off the dark clouds that had gathered to create those haunting images. “That is our task and our burden.”

Levi nodded, his hands clenching into the back of Erwin’s shirt while he buried his head into his shoulder, swallowing to fight the tears that grief brought to his eyes. He wanted this, that was clear. He wanted that the sacrifice of all those they had to leave behind weren’t in vain. That they could rest in peace, but for that the survivors had to live in peace. Otherwise, all those souls would always have an unfinished business on this earth.

“Why is it all coming back, now?” He murmured after a while against Erwin’s shoulder when he had his voice back under control.

“It is only normal that they are all coming back to the surface, now that we have time to rest. We had to suppress our feelings, because we had a war to fight. What we experienced together, what we saw, was traumatic and we now have to process them.”

“I don't know if I can. I don't know how.” Erwin had rarely heard Levi desperate, sounding almost like a lost child calling for his mother and the tone was like a knife to his heart. He closed his eyes in sadness, feeling the pain that the world and he had dared to load onto Levi, but he couldn’t drown in it, now. Levi needed him and he wouldn’t allow that his nightmare would become reality.

“You don't have to do it alone,” Erwin replied softly as he kissed his temple. “That's what we have each other for.”

“Erwin…” With wide eyes, Levi looked up at him and Erwin gently stroked a strand of hair out of his face and leaned down with a smile to kiss him.

“Everything is going to be fine, love, I promise,” he whispered. Levi was silent for a moment, staring into the deep blue eyes of Erwin as his words were so hard to believe for him right now and Erwin touched their foreheads together, hoping to enhance the impact of his words through it. “It will take a long time for us to get used to peace, but we will work this out like we always do. For all those who have given us this opportunity.”

Levi nodded again, snuggling his head a little deeper into Erwin’s chest, while Erwin simply held him as tightly as he possibly could. In moments like this, he sometimes wished he still had both arms, if only so he was able to fully embrace Levi.

It took some time until the darkness seemed to disappear from Levi just as much as the sun was rising behind the mountains, but then Erwin felt how the tension slowly began to fade and the grip on his shirt eased.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked into the silence, his voice warm and tender. “Or shall I get a cloth and help you?”

“No.” Levi let out another deep breath. “No, I think I’m good again. Thank you.”

“No need to thank me.” Erwin smiled and tilted his head up to place a soft kiss onto his lips. “I’ll always be here for you, Levi. Whenever you need me. I love you. ”

“I know.” Levi pulled away just enough to be able to look into Erwin’s deep blue eyes and smiled faintly. “I love you, too.”

Just then they heard a little whine from behind them and turned around. Taki sat in the door frame of the bedroom, his head slightly lowered, almost as if he was asking if everything was alright again and if he was allowed to come over.

Levi widened his eyes for a moment, likely surprised of how much Taki had noticed of his torment, but then he huffed and his smile brightened.

“Come here, Taki,” he said and clapped against his tigh, but the dog still hesitated, though his tail began to whack cautiously. Levi huffed again and shook his head, before he knelt down on the floor, opening his arms. “Now, come on here and let me ruffle you.”

As if this was everything he needed, Taki jumped up with an excited bark and ran over to them as fast as he could even though his left hind leg was missing. He threw himself so strongly into Levi’s arms that he knocked him over, happily and excitedly nuzzling his owner with overflowing joy.

“It’s alright, Taki, it’s alright. I’m fine again.” To Erwin's surprise, Levi laughed and ruffled his brown fur before Taki simply lay down on top of him and Levi wrapped his arms tightly around him. “I’m sorry to have worried you, little one.”

Taki barked again and snuggled his head against him, while Erwin watched the scene with a smile. He only lived with them for two months, but he had become an integral part of their family. A part they would never want to miss again. Who would have thought that when they had found him caught by a trap?

“How about we ride to the lake today? We could have a picnic under the willow, enjoying the sun and reliving the memory of when we started planning our future after the war?” Erwin knelt down to them and gently scratched Taki between his ears, who grumbled happily, lifting his head closer towards Erwin’s caress. “Replacing the nightmare with a pleasant dream that way? Would that be something you’d like?”

Levi opened his eyes, which were as clear as the sky outside now and a happy smile laid on his lips.

“That would be perfect.”

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Levi =( it really hurt me to write this, but on the other hand I love to write them supportive of each other and let's be honest it will take time to get used to peace.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this little fic on this Attack on Titan day that we finally got Mappa Erwin =) Please let me know what you think.
> 
> Have a wonderful Sunday, Subaru =)


End file.
